Speed jokes
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
Where would the next Formula race happen?
Answer: On your flat chest.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Your hairline's so far back that Usain Bolt had to run 50 miles away from you!
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Why do cheetahs have spots outside of their bodies?
Because they don't have them on the inside.
You're a train; you ran fast on these rails, but you gain nothing, you only gain pain.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims; they went through 91 stories in 11 seconds.
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: 9/11 victims. They went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
What do you get if you cross hot wheels, hot legs? Hehe.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."
The officer said, "There is no traffic."
The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
Your mama is so slow, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.
What's the difference between the Barracuda car and a fish?
The fish can't go fast.
A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.
"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"