How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
How does a train eat?
It goes, "chew chew."
What do you call the musical kid who is very aware of his surroundings?
C sharp minor.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W. H. O.
Fruit punch sounds like the name of a gay boxer.
Why are drums and autistic people the same?
They both go "uh uh uh uh uh uh!"
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
You know you're fucked when the speed bump screams.
Uhhhh ohhhhhhh yea (moan).
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"
"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"
I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.
I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.
What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.
What sound did Stephen Hawking make when he died? Power off.
I swallowed shampoo. It goes blblblblb. 🧼
Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!
What kind of birds stick together?
Vel-crows.
