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Person one: What did the DJ name his son?

Person two: IDK, what?

Person one: Erik (while making a DJ motion).

So I saw a 15 year old kid near a 15 year old girl checking her out.

Then I told him, "What are you doing?"

He told me he will decorate her locker, donate a lot of money to her, and buy her a lot of stuff.

He then told me how easy would that be?

I told him: "That sounds pretty SIMPle."

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?

Mom: Shit, I don't know...

Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Dad: That's my boy's!!!

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

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    • Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.