Sometimes jokes

Sometimes a depressed person is antidepression.

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?

But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"

Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

Are you a rope? Because I want to hang sometimes.

Sometimes when I'm sad, I remember I have a big dick.

Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?

Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!

Neona (😁): Agreed!

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.

- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...

- But?

- ...

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Neona: Gwen?

Gwen: Yes... what can I do for you?

Neona: You were so right! Mr. Smith has sexual problems and is a fool! I am so sorry that you were not a liar! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Gwen: You should have listened. Plus I'm over it!

Neona: Are you mad at me?

Gwen: Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.