Something jokes

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?

Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.

What do hockey players and cops have in common?

They both use sticks to hit something black.

Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

How to know something won’t be fun:

Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.