Something jokes

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

Guys, I know how to stop racism. Delete the word "racism." People can't be something that doesn't exist.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

How to know something won’t be fun:

Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.

It is a known fact that you cannot say “harassment” without “her ass.”

I guess you could say, “harassment something.”