Something jokes

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

Madeline McCann must have been homeless or something, she was sure eager for the free candy.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

How to know something won’t be fun:

Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

What’s the difference between candy and an orphan?

Candy is something everybody wants.

It is a known fact that you cannot say “harassment” without “her ass.”

I guess you could say, “harassment something.”

Isn't a gaming console something people use to not be alone?

THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE 50% OF THE GAMES OFFLINE?!??!?!

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

In 2006 on 6/9, there was something called communication opportunity happened. On 6/9. 69. Coincidence? I think NOT.

One day, I was walking down the street, and then I saw something really funny, and then I ran, and I saw a boomer, but I don't really know what I'm talking about, lol.