Sleep jokes

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

Why did the midget not go to bed?

He couldn't reach the bed.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.

But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f

... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

I’d make a joke about prostitutes and women sleeping with multiple men, but it would just be whore-ible.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

What do you call a night person? A night owl 🦉 who is up all night, lol!

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Puerto Rican!"

Then the blonde replies, "OMG, you dirty little slut! How many is a Puerto Rican?"

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

Last night I had a dream about fishing poles, turns out it wasn't reel!

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

'Cause they don't got balls to scratch.

Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?

'Cause it's a car-PET.

If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?

Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?

A. A dino-snore.

Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?

Sleeping Beauty.

When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

Who eats sleeping? A robot.