A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?
Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...
Why do you let your dads sleep so they don't get grumpy and eat your dinner?
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight.
Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.
What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?
Panera fed.
Credit to RogueRobot for this one:
What does Panera sleep in?
Panera bed.
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
What did MLK Jr. say when he spent the night on the internet?
"Last night I had a meme."
When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.
But you know you live alone.
My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?
Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."
Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."
