Sleep jokes

Who eats sleeping? A robot.

One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.

What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?

Panera fed.

Credit to RogueRobot for this one:

What does Panera sleep in?

Panera bed.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"

What did MLK Jr. say when he spent the night on the internet?

"Last night I had a meme."

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight.