Skill jokes
Why are the English so bad at chess?
Because they lost their queen.
Why are the Americans bad at chess?
Because they lost 2 towers.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Why is Job good at Minecraft? Because he is noob, noob, noob, noob, noob. NOOB!
Your Mom's Favorite Book, Chapter 1: How To Cook.
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
Why was the booty so good at poker?
Because it always had a good PAIR.
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet? Mufasa.
If Stephen Hawking had a FIFA card, he would have 99 dribbling.
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
Why was the rapper so good at math?
Because he could count bars like NOBODY’S BUSINESS!
Me: How does this thing work?
ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.
ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*
Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.
Fishermen are the best at networking.
Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball?
Because nobody misses them.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s dead.
Q. Why is Stephen Hawking so good at air guitar?
A. Because he has excellent string theory.
Why do people play basketball?
Because they want to learn how to suck balls.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.