Short jokes
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
What if Game of Thrones and Harry Potter antagonism had a child?
Coldemort!
What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?
Panera instead.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
TV: Water found on Mars...
Mars: 1
Africa: 0
NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.
I feel bad for the people who were born on April 1.
Their life is a joke.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
Why do gay men hate periods?
They prefer Collins.
What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?
I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.
The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?
I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.
What do a male pornstar and an emo have in common?
They are both hung.
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
Why are gay dudes so rude?
Because they're fucking assholes.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.
I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Osama bin Laden rated America.
He gave us a 9/11.