Short jokes
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 67 stories in 0.67 milliseconds.
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say "black paint."
You have to say, "Leroy, please paint that wall!"
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do when nobody's home?
Beat it.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.
Your hairline is farther back than the Mexican border.
What do you call a tent for lesbians?
Finger Hut.
what did Bruce Willis say after he had a vasectomy? "snip-y ki yay motherfucker"
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
If you drive a Lamborghini, then you have a tiny weenie.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.