Short jokes

Who did the cow want to hang with?

The udders.

What is the difference between an orphan and cotton candy?

Answer: The cotton candy gets picked.

Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?

A: Make sure to come upstairs!

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

What do you call a camel stranded in the desert of Arabia?

A Shawarmano Cameldo!

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

What was Jesus's favorite sport?

Lacrosse.

"Explain bear is a homosexual, confirmed."

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?

The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song?

"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.