Short jokes
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Corvette in my garage.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.
My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
What does Michael Jackson and Chef from South Park have in common?
They both say "Hello children!"
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?
One of them is an outside job.
If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"