Short jokes
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.
My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.