Short jokes

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A stoner has papers.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

Why did the girls sit on the clock?

To be on time.

Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

What do bees do when they get married?

They go on a honeymoon.

What do furries and fast food lovers have in common? They both love hot dogs.

I dated a furry once.

The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

So, you're into pronouns? Let me she/them titties.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)