Short jokes

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

what was sally's role in a football game?

the football ;-;

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?

By dropping two of the biggest roasts.

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

Why was the guitarist arrested?

He fingered a minor.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.