Short jokes

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

What do chairs spend on the most?

Chair-ity.

Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?

A: You gonna eat that?

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Running, JK rolling!

What do you call your Indian best friend who is the ABSOLUTE BEST at cunnilingus? A Curry Muncher.

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

Yo hairline be lookin' like Elmo's toe fungus.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

what do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a hot tub?

steamed vegetables.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.