Short jokes
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
What do you call your angry French aunt?
A crossaunt.
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
Why did the girls sit on the clock?
To be on time.
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"
I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.
Your mama so fat the flash died halfway running around her.
Why do nuns walk in groups?
So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".
What do magicians and prostitutes have in common?
Answer: disappearing acts.
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?
The hole experience.