Short jokes
Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
"Twins sitting in class."
Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.
My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!
I like Cheetos.
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
The Arabian Sea is in which state?
Liquid.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?
Answer: Hair Force One!
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.