Short jokes

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

What did the paintings name their daughter?

Palette.

Did you hear the scores of the African basketball game?

It was Eight-Nothing.

When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?

When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!

Where do otters come from? Otter space.

"Twins sitting in class."

Me: Casually throws a paper plane at them.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

What is something feminists crave but will never get? Semen.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.