Short jokes

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?

Answer: Hair Force One!

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna go ride a bike?

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.