Short jokes

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?

Answer: Hair Force One!

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."