Short jokes
I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on Mars? Mars Rover.
What's an alien's favorite computer key?
The space bar!
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
Why won't Trump be subject to impeachment?
Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!
The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
Age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.
What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!
What do you call an idiotic cow?
A mis-steak!
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.
Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.