Short jokes
There was a plane crash. The pilot's names were Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
I am reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I CAN FEEL IT!
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
I was about to say an African joke, but it was too dry.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Me: Your ugly...
Person: I'm not your mirror...
Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p
Name an ant which is very heavy?
Eleph-ant.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.
Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"
What does a house wear?
A dress.
Sometimes, stairs get me down.
What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.