Short jokes
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.
The bushes outside got jealous after they saw your eyebrows.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
What is a gay person’s favourite meal?
Willy con carne.
What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?
Chocolate drops.
what's flat and great for cutting? me.
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
There was a plane crash. The pilot's names were Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
What type of camp does a kid with ADHD go to?
Concentration camp.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
I was about to say an African joke, but it was too dry.
I am reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I CAN FEEL IT!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."