Short jokes
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...
The steaks were pretty high.
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
Spongebob is yellow, and he can't drive.
Must be Asian.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
IHOP.
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.
I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.