Short jokes
The optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The feminist thinks the glass is raping them.
You're so fat, astronomers discovered a planet larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.
I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”
your mom
What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.
How do you execute a retard?
The Electric Wheelchair.
Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?
A. An assault rifle.
Why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are in the U.S.
Why was Hitler bad at math?
He could only count to nein.
99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.
What is the sun's favorite chocolate bar?
A Milky Way 😱
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?
"Juan Direction."
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?
A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
The only thing I do straight is vodka.
Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?
Because it's finger lickin' good!