Short jokes
Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
Spongebob is yellow, and he can't drive.
Must be Asian.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Your forehead is so big, your face is on your chin.
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
IHOP.
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.
What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.