Short jokes
I tried dressing up as the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers for the office costume party.
It didn't land too well.
Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.
What is a priest's favorite song?
-- Magic Flute in A minor.
It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.