Short jokes
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.
What's Kobe's favorite song? "It's Going Down" for real.
What did the cake say to the fork?
"Do you want a piece of me!!!"
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Humanity.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the wifi.
Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.
What has more letters than the alphabet? -- The post office.
So, Duracell batteries do run out.
yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
Where do keyboards go to have dinner?
The space bar!!!
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
What did the math book say to the other math book?
Wanna hear my problems?