Short jokes

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

People judge me because I'm quiet.

No one plans a massacre out loud.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.

What do suicidal people do in their spare time?

Hang out.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.