Short jokes
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?
Not Sally.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number.
What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!
Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.
Friend: Why?
Me: So they would hang themselves.
If the formula of water is H2O, then what is the formula of ice?
H2O cubed.
My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.