Short jokes
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
I am glass! People see right through me.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."
Joe: "Bi den"
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?