Short jokes
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
I am glass! People see right through me.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."
Joe: "Bi den"
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.