I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Short Jokes
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
Jeffrey Dahmer was eating at 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.
Titanic - "Yo, look at that sexy babe of an iceberg, let's hit her!"
Why can't Stephen Hawking be a Rocket League car? Because he can't jump for an aerial.
I went to a park, then I kicked a ball at a kid in a wheelchair, then screamed "Rocket League!"
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?
Trans-fats.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I know a woman who owns a taser. -- She's stunning!
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?
Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.
Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.
