Short jokes
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
"I don't want to go on my at-home history."
- My friend, anon 2019.
Why can't blondes make ice?
They forgot the recipe.
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
Max Alexander Heart is adopted.
Evan David Sandri is gay and he is adopted.
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?
"Now sashimi, now you don't!"
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?
"What's up?"
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
His wife shut off the internet.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
Two pencils walking down the street.
Which one hasn’t got AIDS?
The one with the rubber on.
A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.
I don't have any now.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired!
What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.