Short jokes
How many Tottenham players does it take to win a trophy? It doesn't matter how hard they try, they still can't win one anyway.
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
I am the Titanic, and I'm looking for a place to crash tonight.
When you have erectile dysfunction, it could be expressed as the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
If you got a bowling ball and you stuck it on top of a sack of potatoes, what would you get?
A "retiree."
What did the fat say to the other fat? I am fatey.
You can tell if a woman is angry if she is holding a gun.
What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.
If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because he can't find home.
Why did the Titanic sink?
Because the people aboard are stupid.
Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.
The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!
I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.
Last week I went on a whale watch.
After everyone had piled onto a boat, they loaded the boat onto a trailer and drove to your house.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.
What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?
Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!
khi beats his meat to weed- germiah.
"You can drink drinks, but you can't food foods."
-Sun Tzu, The Art Of Food
Say "I hate happiness" without the H (all of them).