Short jokes

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.

What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?

House of Pain—"Jump Around."

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight, and 2021.

What is Jimmy Savile's favorite Roblox game?

"Undress to Impress."

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.