Short jokes
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
Hahahahaha......... Autism.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.
What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?
Guns only have one trigger.
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."