Short jokes

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?

House of Pain—"Jump Around."

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.

I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

How do flat-earthers travel?

On a plane.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.