Short jokes
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite hobby?
Rolling on ice.
A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you..."
Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?
A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.
Explain Bear is always there for you.
I don't beat up midgets.
That would be punching down.
When a baby was born to a slave, did the slave owners hang a "Bred in Captivity" sign above the crib?
I have no problem with prostitution.
It's like an Air BnB for your dick.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
What does Michael Joseph Jackson say to adults when he sees them?
Keep away from me-hee-hee.
Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?
A. A backroom deal.
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
What did the young Taliban member say to the old Taliban member?
"Okay, Boomer."
How do skyscrapers make friends?
They reach out.
Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.