Short jokes
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?
A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree, which will hit the ground first?
The piece of paper because the rope will stop the emo.
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address, and my phone number.
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
Who is the king of Reddit?
Sam Ryan.
What do bicycles and slaves have in common? They both use chains to work.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.