They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Short Jokes
What's the difference between your jokes and your penis? Nobody laughs at your jokes.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree, which will hit the ground first?
The piece of paper because the rope will stop the emo.
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.
My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
Who is the king of Reddit?
Sam Ryan.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do incest families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?
Well, probably their kneecaps.
