Short jokes
I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
What do bicycles and slaves have in common? They both use chains to work.
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.
If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree, which will hit the ground first?
The piece of paper because the rope will stop the emo.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?
Well, probably their kneecaps.
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby, we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.