Short jokes

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

There's a one-story house. Everything's yellow, even the kitchen, living room, and bedrooms. What color are the stairs?

Math riddle: If I have 12 bottles of wine in one hand, and 9 in the other, what do I have?

What can you catch, but not throw?

How do you call a very long terrorist?

9/11.

What do people use more than you that is yours?

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

What does a pumpkin need when it's hurt? A pumpkin patch.

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

I was at the bank yesterday.

A lady asked to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What do you call angry midgets?

Short-tempered.

Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!

Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.

What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

I got fired from the bowling ball factory for throwing out the ones that had holes in them.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!