What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
What is the opposite of Progress?
Congress.
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
I used to be a banker...
But then I lost interest.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
