Short jokes
Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"
I said, "On a stove!"
Fucking Windows updates!
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby?
Both of their legs don't work.
How did Steven Hawking die?
His wife needed a charger and plugged him out.
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
Are you beef?
Because you're Carlos-Asada.
What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?
Can't elope.
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!
What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?
Vat-I-cans!
Why were Adam and Eve's sons so much alike? Because Cain was Abel minded!
Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded.
But it was only on paper view.
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?
Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
Dad: 🦆
Kid: ?
Dad: 🦆🦆
Kid: Huh?
Dad: Ur too late...
Kid: WHAT!
Dad: .... GOOSE!
Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?
She called for a price check.