Short jokes
My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
Ed is dumb.
You calling me gay, but the pole is straighter than you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and I'll tell ya.
Condoms are for pussies.
Cleveland Browns
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"
What did Google Translate say to Siri?
"Why are you so Siri-ous?"
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?
The baby you just feed nails to.
What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?
My penis.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
I met a man named Jebidiah on Xbox Live.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
He asked for a shot of beer?
He got shot and killed.