Short jokes
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Why did the dumb blonde take a shower outside of the house while it was raining?
Because the dumb blonde did not pay the water bill!
I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
What is not the definition of prostitution?
A dumb blonde that got money for babysitting. Does it cycle now?
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...
*disconnected*
I got an F in science. F stands for Fantastic!
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Nerverack.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
Where did my rabbit go?
*crunch*
What is a threesome?
1 + 1 = 3