Short jokes
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
What happens to emo kids when they go up?
They never come down.
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
What does a priest and a clown have in common?
They both make children cry.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.
Is your dad a magician?
Because he magically disappeared.
Why is the Pentagon mad?
Because it didn't get two pizzas, but only one plane pizza.
Why is my plane delayed?
Because someone hit the Sears Tower.
I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.
How do you think Julius Caesar killed his enemies?..
With a pair of Caesars! 😂😂👌
Roses are red, I hate snitches, You talk a lot of game for a guy with 3 inches.
Roses are red, The forest is bushy, OMG did you just cum in my pussy?
What do you call a potato with a pp?
A dictator.
Why did the orphan die on the road? Because they had no one to hold their hand.
What is a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child’s body.
You know Imagine Dragons?
Imagine draggin' these balls.