Shell jokes

Egg?

I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.

The moment when you throw the nut away and try to eat the shell.

What do clams do on their birthday? They shell a brat.

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?

He became a shell of who he once was.

When the teacher says she'll call your parents but you're an orphan.

Why can't two eggs tell jokes?

Because they will crack each other up!

Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?

Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.

What did the shell say to the shell?

"Shell you later."

What kind of shells do tanks use to cheat?

A-cheat shells.

I have a heart, alright. I just happen to see a mere hollow shell of one coming from you.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What's a turtle's favorite thrill ride?

Shell shock!

What pictures did turtles take?

Shell-fies!

"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"

"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

Do you know how a snail has a "nail," why can't it be a nut?

Say, "Hey, you're pretty." Then she'll say, "OMG, thank you so much," or something cringe. Then you say, "Pretty f***ing ugly, aha, gottie!"

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What do you call a smart egg? An egghead.

That was an egg-cellent joke!