Shell jokes
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because he wanted to go to the Shell station.
Why can't two eggs tell jokes?
Because they will crack each other up!
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!
Remember when Calvin wanted to commit a school shooting?
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
What do you call a smart egg? An egghead.
That was an egg-cellent joke!
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
A man opened a snail farm.
He said that it is a slow-moving business.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
What do turtles use to communicate?
A shellphone!
What's a turtle's favorite thrill ride?
Shell shock!
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
Your grandma is pretty old; she'll die soon.
Do you know how a snail has a "nail," why can't it be a nut?