Shell jokes
What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?
With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.
The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Remember when Calvin wanted to commit a school shooting?
How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.
What do clams do on their birthday? They shell-brate, but they eat all the cake for themselves because they’re shellfish!
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it goo!
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
What do turtles use to communicate?
A shellphone!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost? The nearest Shell station.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because he wanted to go to the Shell station.
What’s the best part about raping a blind girl? She’ll never see you coming.
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
Egg?