One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up?
She had no friends.
Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Not Sally...
One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
Why did little sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
What did sally get for Christmas?
Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.
