Sex jokes

The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰

The best night of my life was when I gave my virginity to my wife, and her last word was when she called me "Mommy" at the top of her lungs before I knocked her up 😍.

I got breast implants for my wife to squeeze on as she thrusts on my meat while straddled in between my legs.

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

Her husband prepares them a romantic dinner. The wife tells her husband about her desire for it. The husband was clueless about such acts. So, the wife tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay underneath her naked in the reverse missionary position.

She starts thrusting with his meat inside of her and starts waiting for him to thrust along with her thrusts. However, the husband didn’t know what to do, so he just laid there. Suddenly the wife had an urge to pee, but held it in because her husband’s joystick was right inside her. She loses control after a while and lets one drip out. The wife apologizes profusely and continues thrusting her husband. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another drip of urine run down the husband’s schlong to his pelvis.

The husband throws the wife from the couch, gets up, and says,

"Honey, if you think I’ll be screwed by you for more of that, you’re out of your mind."

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

When a deaf person has sex, do they use one hand to moan?

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

Having sex in the woods and a deer walks up and fucks you from the back.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

You masturbate...

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You won't get any Squirtle and Bulbasaur pets.

Orgasm means two things:

1. During you masturbate.

2. You torture phantoms.

When is rape normal?

When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

What do you call it when Red Sox can't pull out?

Boston cream pie.

Why have sex when you can perv on your neighbor's grandma!

Herpes? No, I don't want her. Her pees.