Sex jokes
I tried to have phone sex once.
But the holes were too small.
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
Why was Liverpool better than Man United? We won 5-0, and you have a sex offender on your team.
Have you ever heard of sex? Because you just got fucked.
What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?
...
I'm still trying to think of an answer.
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
Dear doctor,
I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?
Yours Truly, Ray Palp
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
A good man deserves a queen who will pussy slide on his penis casually, frig him with her thighs like a prostitute, make him laugh like a homie, cook like his mama.
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Scissoring is nice when I grind my wee wee on my wife’s clit.
Humping that little guy is like riding a wet butt plug.
It’s nice hitting it from the back when my wife has wide hips.
Her butt cheeks look like big huge ball sacks as my thighs smack up against them when I’m thrusting. I like to finish off by grinding my weiner up and down her back like a gay man frotting his schlong on his partner’s ding dong.