Sex jokes
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your cock into a girl's mouth.
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
How do skeletons have sex?
They bone each other.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger.
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.