Sex jokes
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?