Self jokes

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I was watching T-Series and I thought to myself, "Man, this sucks!" My sister watches James Charles, and he always says, "That's T-Series." So is it him? SUB TO PEWDIEPIE! UNSUB TO T-SERIES! THEY SUCK!

People: Stop joking about such serious issues!

Me: Kill yourself.

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

Apex Legends: exists.

Titanfall fandom: (Literally on fire and at war with itself) "Everything is fine."

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

Why did 10 kill itself?

Because it was between 9/11.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

"Kill yourself. Stop thinking whether or not to do it, you dumb fucking cunt, no one likes you. Jump off a fucking 3 story building, bitch."

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.

This is a joke in itself.

Why did the little girl flush herself down the toilet?

Because she wanted to join the Brownies.

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.

He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"

Not all self-harmers are emo, but all emos self-harm.

Why did people bully Steven Hawking?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself.