New Self Jokes

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?

A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Know the nuclear bombs of the world.

🇷🇺🧨 a “bad” bomb

🇨🇳🧨 “ww3”

🇬🇧🧨 a “good” bomb

🇺🇸🧨 Japanese area testing

🇮🇱🧨 what bomb

🇮🇷🧨 just self defence

Little Jim's friend told him that if he farts, he will give him a tenner. Little Jim tries to fart, but he poos himself, and he is bullied until he puts the poo on the bullies' face.

"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Why was the cheese always so confident? Because it had such a "gouda" self-image.

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

Yo mama so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

What kind of flour do orphans use to make bread?

Self-Rasing.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.