Self jokes
My sister was getting something from the basement, and seeing rats, she said: "Rats are so disgusting and ugly."
I turned to her, "Sis, self-hate is not okay."
Oh, you need a lesbian joke?
Uhh... gimme a second....
Me???
Is skin picking self-harm?
Cause I'm red all over without a razor.
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.
I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".
If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".
If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
I'm so good at talking to myself but not to others.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?
A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
Know the nuclear bombs of the world.
🇷🇺🧨 a “bad” bomb
🇨🇳🧨 “ww3”
🇬🇧🧨 a “good” bomb
🇺🇸🧨 Japanese area testing
🇮🇱🧨 what bomb
🇮🇷🧨 just self defence
"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!
How to get rid of your depression:
1. Stop self-pitying.
2. Realize you can't.
3. Fucking deal with it.
You're welcome.
I am your leader.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.