Self jokes
My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Aren't I badly good?
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.
I unironically shit myself. I am so sorry.
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
A guy once went hunting at a hunting ranch. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in the rancher’s living room. There they were having a grand ole time then the rancher’s wife walks in. The hunter says, “That’s a nice piece of ass you got yourself there.” The rancher replied with a harsh, raspy Southern chuckle from years of Marlboro Reds, “You’ve never been so right in your life. Honey, why don’t you show our guest your tits?” She agrees and shows the hunter her plump DD cup breasts.
The hunter says, “Nice.” Then the rancher said, “Show ‘em yer pecker now.” She agreed and whipped out a 13 incher. Dazed and confused, the hunter says, “What in Sam Hill is that?!” And the rancher replied, “Now... lemme tell you... there ain’t a thing like it.”
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?
A self-fie.
It's fucked up how people make these jokes, and when orphans read them, it makes them feel worse about themselves. I should know, I'm an orphan.
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
We all hear cause we cut ourselves, right? I mean, JK.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
What do you call an orphan fish?
Self-ish.
She a hoe, she shit on herself.
A blonde crashes an airplane.
Officer: Could you please explain to me what happened?
Woman: It got so cold in the plane, I turned the fan off.
Officer: *face palms self*
Also officer: Here's your sign.
What's your favorite type of flour?
Don't know.
Mines self-raising.
What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.
You are the joke.
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!